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I just want to be back in Somerville, out of Starbucks, and able to build my fashion label properly.

After today, I'm trying not to have a nervous breakdown. I just can't take this anymore.

Designer Differences...

So last night, I was finally going through the issue of KERA that I bought a year ago for inspiration and I noticed something, especially after reading the book on starting a fashion label chapter about knowing your demographic.
The chapter had like, the lists of different types that buy fashion... and I don't really fit into any of them. I pay attention to what my favourite music artists are wearing, along with what's going on in the streets in Japan, and go from there.
I had this almost like, army cap- you know the kind, it was really popular about five or six years ago and for awhile, it was my trademark. But not because it was trendy or I am any kind of trendsetter- it was because I saw Bono wearing a similar one between ATYCLB and HTDAB!

Anyway, so like, in America, as a designer, you're expected to be predicting the trends, be the one that tells others what to wear. So, like, looks need to be conservative and marketable. I mean, I can't even find a label besides maybe Betsey Johnson, TRIPP and Lucky 13 that even come close to producing things that really speak to me.
But what's interesting to me, in Japan, they look to the streets to take their inspiration as well as what just comes in their imagination, which is why I think some of the looks you see in Harajuku are so experimental. But I think because it's confined to generally one day a week, in one area, I think that also has a bit of freedom in it. Granted, I think that's because that's what's shown to the states, so we're all more familiar with the alternative labels. Looking through the magazine, I think they have a similar thing with American brands there- I almost feel like HellCat Punk is American? I've seen it both turn up on American alternative shops as well as in Japanese street snaps.

I'm not trying to say one is better over the other, but it's just an interesting view. I mean, I know when we're talking about fashion in the states, there are other factors and it's not so set in stone- factors like music the person listens to, part of the country they live in as well as income levels. Unless you're in Boston. Then you have your god damn UGGS and hideous NorthFace jacket regardless of how much money you make, where you live, and what music you listen to.

Just some thoughts.
So the "Peet's Coffee" they were opening in Boston have been finally revealed...
Under these "360 Cafe"'s... basically, you get free coffee or whatever, but in turn you have to listen to Capital One guys sell you banking things.
I am now so grateful that that job did not pull through, because that concept to me is disgusting and goes against my ethical beliefs. This kind of shite is big part of why the economy is so fucked up in this country.
It also explains why I could never figure out where I was supposed to go for these alleged interviews- in none of my correspondences were they open about exactly what would be involved. I was told one of the locations would be inside a bank, but it was more described to me like this one Starbucks I went to in Albany- literally, just a coffee shop that happens to in the bank lobby.

Starbucks is far from glamorous, but I can sleep at night.

Feeling Inspired

Valentine's Day was awful. But I am already taking so many lessons from the experience that I will be okay in time.

I am valuable, and I have a lot to offer, and it's a shame that people that I really wanted to in the past six months haven't been willing to leverage it.

But you know what? The Starbucks I'm currently working at, and the one I worked at before leaving the company absolutely did. They saw that I have great energy, smarts, compassion and will do what it takes to get the job done. I wanted to get paid what I wanted to be paid, and because I refused to accept less, I got that offer.
Other companies couldn't see what Starbucks does, and it's their loss.
The other positive to working at Starbucks is that as stressful as the job can be, it is also give and take. While they will leverage my coffee knowledge, passion about delivering quality product and service, and wilingness to share that, I will be able to leverage what I'm continuing to learn about running my own business.

And you know what else? I did so much research about moving to New York, I was able to leverage that knowledge to get my own studio in Boston. It might not be the nicest neighborhood, and I have been having trouble really getting comfortable, but it is a studio completely on my own that I earned because I refused to accept anything less. And I get to be close to my family and friends! And I get to have Jersey, which has been a goal since I moved out of my parents' place 8 years ago.

I'm grateful for my current group of friends- we leverage each other in our experiences and expertise without being condescending or demanding about it. When Jenny wanted help moving to Boston, she came to me and I'm grateful that she thought enough of me to do so- I didn't feel burdened or put out by it. In turn, she has given me advice on how to perceive how an interview went and taught me about cooking.
Another example is Stefan- some one who I definitely don't get to talk to at all as much as I would like. If he has a question about something that he knows I am knowldegable in, he respects me enough to come to me with that question. He also remembers things I'm interested in, and isn't afraid to tell me when he sees something that is relevant to my interests. I need to return the favour, absolutely.

Andrew was a great guy, but he lacks ambition and follow through. Sure, he was quick to leverage my knowledge and skills- but when it came time to give back, he would often accuse me of being overly dependent and weak. When I would ask him for help, rather than helping, he'd often take a project over then feel taken advantage of. Perfect example was helping me straighten my apartment for my soiree I had in January- I wanted him to move anything I couldn't do myself and keep me company while I did the rest. Instead, he just took over all the work and refused to let me do anything. So of course the perception would be that I am overly dependent on him- because he didn't give me the chance to do anything else!
I want people in my life who will give me the opportunity to stand on my own- not constantly squash me down and then be surprised when that's the result!

Example of some one who isn't like that is Darcy! No matter the obstacles she faces, she always seems to find the confidence to overcome them and never give up on her goals. She is always an inspiration to me and has amazing energy that she spreads freely. Spending time with her always makes me feel like I can take on the world!

And there's Anna- she knows when to give me advice and when to let me learn my lesson for myself, and always willing to be there when things are awesome and more importantly, when things really suck. That's how you know you have an awesome person in your life! Of course people want to be around you when you're winning- but a person who will insist on standing by you when you're losing- that's the best damn friend you will ever have in your life. She lets me be independent, but will always be one of the first to offer help when I need it and never makes me feel bad for it.

So nuts to Andrew- I don't need some one like that holding me back. I was doing pretty awesome before he came along, and my life has not been easy, but it's been getting back on track without him as much a part of it. And you know what? I have this overwhelming feeling that it's going to get even better with him completely out of it.
I told Starbucks I wouldn't work Sundays so I could spend time with Andrew- but you know what? Now I can use that time for continued spiritual growth and building my business with only my cat to get in the way. And you know what? She gives me back so much love, I'm okay with that.
So, looks like Jersey is most likely gonna be living with me.
So yaaaaaay kitty!!! So much for a cat-free zone... but I heard things last night, and I want a cat for protection.
I really want to play Animal Crossing to relax.
But that motherfucker takes way too much time to play, and I still have tons to do.

The Move

So living on my own in Allston has been... interesting.
It goes from people being really super nice to I'm probably gonna get robbed depending on time/place.

Also, the outside of the building deteriated since I looked at the place but they attempted to fix up the actual apartment so... I don't know.
Definitely, definitely not having any packages shipped here.

However, hot water and shower pressure are A+ let's always have it this way. Cuz man, a shower can make or break my day.

There's so much more to buy and I have like, no money. I mean, I knew I'd need alot of stuff, but there's stuff you just don't think about until you actually don't have them- things like microwavable dishware or trash receptacles.

But the space! The space! It's just exactly the right amount for me! It's interesting, when I moved back in 2010, all I had was a suitcase of clothes and a few boxes- everything fit into a standard car.
Now I have enough to fill a small apartment... I don't even know how this happened, but I am very grateful to friends who have donated old furniture to me as well as Andrew and my family who over the course of the past year bought me whatever I wanted for furniture.

I think, I think some productive things will be happening here.