Things are calmer now.
So that's good.
Learning a lot about myself and how to deal with others in a healthy way. It's funny how little it turns out that I know about things.

Ready to dive back into art, which I had taken a break from... just need to pay off my new glasses. (I um, crushed my one pair in my hand few weeks back. Have been walking blind since. It's funny, trust me.)

So I guess that's me.

Today, I had to play with my manager's kids.

Boy: "Huh. You're like a completely different person with your shorter hair."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Boy: "You're much nicer."

Girl meets boy.
Girl falls for boy.
Boy falls for girl.
Both trying to destroy themselves from the inside.
Girl starts to drown.
Boy meets new, much younger, thinner, prettier girl.
Everything blows up in their faces.

And you know what makes it harder? Knowing I can't drink this pain away and there's no one left to cry to.
I feel like shit, I can't eat because I'm detoxing and everything makes me throw up except fruit but I'm sick of eating fruit.
How the fuck long does it take to detox anyway?
And the only real advice is to keep going to these damn meetings. And yeah, I feel good while I'm at the meeting, but then I go back to hating everything.
Can't get out of the house because there's no where to go that's without alcohol.

I just wish I could get away from everything. The eternal search for escapism.

And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You're running out of places to hide
'Cause everybody's got a reason
To justify how they're feelin'
Maybe you should open your eyes

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you'll know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing's gonna stand in your way...


I think I need to read The Heroin Diaries for the third time.

I came to a few realizations over the past week or so.
It wasn't until yesterday I was able to admit these realizations to myself.

I don't want to get into details, but I will say this:
Over the past two days, I finally made some decisions I know were for the best. I was terrified to stand my ground on them, but I didn't want to let anyone down. Even more importantly, I made them for myself.
I chose me.

Just how much more bullshite can I take and still not break?

Somedays I feel like I'm the only person interested in Truth and doing the Right Thing anymore.
I'm so tired of always trying to do the right thing and still getting fucked.

I need out of this place, out of this life.
I wish some one would come save me, because I'm dying this way.

Is this all I'm meant for? The alcoholic whore?
There has to be more. Please tell me there's more out there.
Because I can't keep holding on to hope when there's nothing else.

We're such a beautiful, fucked up, codependent mess.
Barely making ends meet, but we're in it together while the world burns around us.

Wow. What a week, here's a summary because I want to remember it.

Thursday: I convinced Max* getting some beer at Razzy's was a good idea. He convinced me adding whiskey to the equation was a good idea. Didn't make it home that night.

Friday: Stumbled back home, got yelled at by landlords, they claim I owe them fifty bucks because I didn't have my stuff out, despite having signed a piece of (non-legally binding on their end, they should be lucky none of us took them to court) paper stating I had until the end of the day to get my shit.
Sophie and Rachel helped, had some anxiety attacks, crashed at Sophie's.

Saturday: Remembered markings from Thursday which made for a delightfully awkward breakfast with Sophie's mom who thought I might have been in a fight.
Finally moved in, learned how to use a coin-opperated washing machines since I've never had to use them in my entire bleedin' life except for a few times while drinking at Anna's.

Sunday: Went to work, Max inquired about conducting business, took him home with me. Decided getting high and drinkin' beer was a good idea while we watched the bright lights on that back porch in a back alley. It was one of those moments you wish could have lasted forever, and then we fell asleep.

Monday: Spent an hour waking Max up so he could make it to work on time. (He claims he was actually early for once... I remain skeptical.) Went to an interview, explored Allston, made some calls, wandered around Boston.
Max wanted to officially conduct business, so took him home with me again. Got burnt mocha together, decided it was angry-fying, but neither were about to bitch about it.
He left and then I passed out.

Tuesday: Paul took me out to dinner, Rachel came over. I miss living with her so much. She loved the kitties, because I'm surrounded by kitties.

Wednesday: Max visited me at work while picking up his pay check. Decided sushi was a fantastic idea. And it was! Then Max decided splitting a bottle of Jack was an even better one. Had a conversation with Stefan on his porch and then passed out on Max's bed. Which is mighty comfortable.

Thursday: Decided I'd borrow one of Max's shirts rather than make my way home and waltzed into work together... only to be put in the same spot together. Which was torture and involved hurling things at one another.
Had to go back to his place to get the things I'd left there, decided pizza and getting high was a good idea, passed out together, woke up and realized it was too late for me to go home and it was another unproductive day, but not a wasted one.

Friday: Finally made it home for a bit to shower and change. Was greeted and clung to by Dr. Pepper. Made it to work, people are starting to catch on that there's something going on between Max and I. I continue to insist I was in a bar fight.
Got ice cream together, then finally got home and stayed there for more than five seconds. Good sleep was had, but I don't dream in this place. I guess because the reality is bizarre enough that it's no longer necessary?

*Max= The Tommy Lee to my Nikki Sixx would be the best way to sum him up.

I promise to respond to the pm's and comments about last entry soon. I've just been too busy/overwhelmed, and I apologize.

It's funny how quickly your life can fall apart.

It took me almost three months to find another job, despite having at least one interview everyday, sometimes more than that. But I'm only making enough to well... I'm not sure, because I still can't even afford to eat anything more than one item a day. Not one meal, one item. Somedays, not even that.

We've been asked to vacate the house. That was at the beginning of March. I had assumed I would be able to find a job sooner, so figured things would be just fine and decided to not push the landlord to go through the eviction process.
Well, that was wicked smart of me. I'm now effectively homeless. I'll have a couch to sleep on, but that's it. I'm not allowed to bring anything with me, and there is no place to put any of my things. I can't even have a box of my clothes, so literally, nothing.

I thought last year was bad.
They say rape is the worst thing to have happen to you.
Having been through this experience and the former, let me tell you- this is far worse. Because I at least had a roof and food. I had a future.

Now? I have nothing.

i'm sorry i wasn't enough